Depressing!!!!!

Well I made it through another depressing Holiday Season. I know it should be a happy time and in some ways it is, but for me and I am sure, for many others, it really brings the depression to the forefront!!!!! Years ago when I was able to work, it was always hard to appreciate all the Busy Work we were forced to do, just to look like we were really working!!! Know what I mean??? Anyway that is exactly what I have done for the past 8 years, every waking moment of my pathetic life!!!!! When L. was with me, it was much easier, I had someone who seemed to care about ME and my quality of life. It is now obvious that was all a sham and trying to keep yourself busy all your waking hours is a full time job, no pun intended!!!!! It is really hard to fit in with anyone, you can't do anything, its all you can do just to take care of yourself. Unless I see my neighbors when I am outside, which is maybe 3 or 4 times a week, I don't talk to anyone and find it very hard to carry on a conversation with anyone due to the vocal cords getting NO Practice!!!!! Of course the emotions are always a problem too!!!!! I know that I have it much better than some and I do appreciate that, but when your down its really hard to see the good. I try, but it is really, really hard!!!!!

Grumpy

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Blind as a Bat!!!

Love, is a real Bitch!!!!! It can be the greatest thing ever but not always. When I got back home, with the help of some very good friends from work, I felt much better!! I needed the help of my friends to get my lady friend moved since she had no help or money to move herself! By this time my rehab had got me walking a little and I could get around my trailer. Having L. at my home in my bed was very soothing for me, but apparently not where she wanted to be. For a short period of time she had no job and took care of me 24/7, which I needed, but after awhile she started looking for work. I wanted her to not go to work but one can't kidnap another human without serious consequences.

So, I had to suffer through her search, trying to encourage her, while praying she would not find a job. Very hard to do! At the time I thought L. had finally realized her guy from S.M. was wrong for her, but it turned out I was wrong! My first indication was the job she wound up taking!!! It was in S.M. where he lived!!! I was concerned about this at the time, but what could I do??? I had little ability to fight back fairly and you can't forcefully change someone's mind about LOVE!
This job she found had really strange hours and it was 50 miles from my home. This meant 100 miles a day travel for her in a old dead truck. So I always worried about her till she walked in the door.

Some days she was really upset when she got home, I believe he was really putting the pressure on her because she was living with me!! Its all speculation on my part but I believe she was sleeping with him, as well as me, and he didn't believe she was faithful to him!!! If this is true I can only say he didn't deserve her and he was too old for her!!! But the age thing came back to bite me in the end with another jerk!!



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Moving Back Home!!!!!

I was at my friends home for a couple of months, maybe longer, I just can't remember for sure. But about the time I was ready to get back home, but knew I could not move back by myself, my lady friend lost her job. She worked for the prison system and broke some rule of theirs. She told me one story, another to my friend Peggy, so I have no idea what the actual truth is or was. But now she needed a place to live and I needed someone to help me so I could go home. So it was convenient for both of us. But it soon became a frustrating episode for me as she was still seeing a guy that was pushing her buttons with his jealousy. Trying to run her life to his advantage and me trying to convince her she did not need to live that way! Back and forth, day after day, over and over. At times I thought I would go nuts! But I was never overbearing, just firm, as was her children, that this guy was not for her. The one thing I should have recognized was the fact he was around 10 years older than her, and this trend eventally was my downfall.

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Depression and Expectation!!!!!

After spending several months in the hospital and in rehab, my good friends Terry & Peggy took me to their home to begin my recovery. The really nice part of this was my lady friend lived across the court yard from them and made me feel very comfortable knowing she was there too. At this time I was still doing rehab twice a week, still in a wheelchair most of the time, unable to walk. Things were OK at the time, but looking back with that 20-20 vision I have now, they were not the way I wanted them to be. The obvious part is the disability of the stroke, but the not so obvious was my mind not seeing or not wanting to see the SIGNS that my lady friend really didn't feel the way about me I thought she did. Its amazing how ones need to cling to HOPE, can cause you to overlook the obvious signs of the real feelings of someone you love for obvious reasons. This became hard at times and my mind just kept making excuses, with some good reasons at times, for these BIG SIGNS that I should have recognized.

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Waiting for the END!!!!!

Well, I have procrastanated on my blog duties, but what the Hell!!!!! Its not a requirement and things have not gone well this past year. The BIG problem for me was a Mini Stroke in April while I was in Dallas to attend the NASCAR race there. I refused to go to the hospital and I am OK, still able to take care of myself. But the Mini was a BIG setback. You try to put a percentage on it but that is really impossible. Needless to say, no one, except those who go through it, have any idea of what I speak. The physical part would be bad enough, but its all of that plus the emotions, topped by the depression. Things get better but one must really be careful. I fell 8,9 maybe 10 times the first 3 or 4 weeks just trying to do normal things. The trouble there is you fall and hurt yourself with no one to help you, if you need it. Fortunately I am still OK, not great but still here Fighting!!!!

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Days Run Together!!!!!

After laying in the emergency room for 8 hours and losing the use of my left side while I layed there. I was in shock, with no wife and only a few friends , other than friends from work. I was extremely concerned what would happen to me. I was admitted and placed in ICU and began the long hard journey to trying to recover some semblance of normal! Trying to get comfortable was a major effort since only half of me worked. I later learned that the doctors did not expect me to make it thru the night.

Many of my co-workers came to the hospital, other friends and the lady I was dating at the time. She was the person that I had thought I would never see again since I made sure she was told of my condition. I just figured she would disappear. As it turned out she would be a major reason I would recover enough to manage on my own many, many months later.

I was told at some point I would be moved to a rehab hospital as soon as a bed was available. All the first few days just seem like a daze and I still have trouble remembering all that went on and when it went on. I know I was sent by ambulance twice for an MRI at another hospital. No fun at all., The days and nights all ran together and I wondered if my future was a nursing home?? Not a happy thought and very depressing.

As I became aware later, the depression from realizing that your life is forever changed and there is the possibility you will be totally dependent on someone else to survive. All of that is very hard to combat in your mind. Fighting the depression is very, very difficult. There appears, to you, that there is no hope. When you have a friend to talk to you can keep your mind off of it for a short time. A very short time. I know from experience that depression is one of the biggest obstacles to overcome and you and the drugs they give you for it help, but you need someone you love to be there for you too. Without that person, I don't think you can get through a major setback just with friends and rehab. For me it was very important that my lady loved me and was there to help me and encourage me almost everyday.

A Stroke Can Destroy Your Life!!!!!

June 24, 2003

I Always got up at 6AM to prepare for work. Start the coffee, get dressed while it brewed then glance at the paper before leaving home about 7 to arrive at work before my 8AM start time. This day was at the beginning just like any other. I was a smoker back then and had recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. So I had very recently began my diabetes medication.

As I left my home I noticed a very slight light headedness. Not dizziness. But it went away rather quickly and I did not think anymore about it. It usually took me 45 minutes to travel the 25 miles to work and several times this strange light headedness would pop up again. When I arrived at work it was still hanging on but I still had no real concern since it would come and go. I did begin to think that maybe I was having a reaction to the diabetes medication I had just begun to take.

Since I had no idea what any symptoms of a stroke were, that never entered my mind. But a couple of things should have set off the alarms, I thought my speech was a little slurred and I had a problem raising my left leg to a chair to fix the laces on my boots. But being ignorant of these symptoms I just kept going.

I drove my Company Vehicle to my first job but just could not shake the light headedness and after about 30 to 45 minutes went back to my office and told my boss I was going to the doctor. He said OK, and I drove my vehicle to his office. The doctors office was next door to the hospital and as soon as he saw me he said "your having a Minni stroke" and put me in a wheelchair headed to the hospital emergency room.

Your everyday, modern emergency room that in my long experience is not where you want to be at any time. Of course you think that they should help you but in my case I layed there for eight hours having a stroke on their bed. I basically walked in and was paralyzed on the left side 8 hours later.

Yes I am still bitter about their useless help in stopping the stroke, their disrespectful attitude toward a smoker in a time of crisis. I knew my life was not going to be anything like it had been and had no idea if I would live through the night.